Since we still have a week until the Super Bowl, and if I have to hear another over-reaction by ESPN about Tom Brady’s ankle tweek I am going to kill myself, I thought I would start to look forward to the always-entertaining gambling options available for the Super Bowl.

For those of you who do not gamble (a.k.a. smart people) the Super Bowl is great time to start your gambling career. You can bet on everything from the coin flip to what the first play of the Patriots third offensive possession will be, and everything in-between. And all options are equally stupid and fun. Kind of like picking girls from a sorority… all are stupid and fun… zing. However, these are the Top 5 gambling lines that I would make if I was an odds-maker in Vegas.


5. Over/Under 6 ½ – Times you debate killing Joe Buck: Yes, this year’s game is on Fox, and that means that you will get Troy Aikman doing the color and good ol’ Joe Buck doing the play-by-play. Joe Buck reminds me of an uglier Nicolas Cage… which is saying something after Nick’s most recent film (National Treasure 2). Joe Buck has the ego of a Prom King with the reality of a World of Warcraft character-creator. Joe Buck is also on my top 5 list of “if I ever get the chance to meet you face-to-face I promise I will punch you in the face.” Phillip Rivers, don’t worry, you made that list as well.

4. What Song Will Tom Petty Play at Half Time:

Free Falling – 1/1 – If he doesn’t play his most radio friendly song I will be shocked. This is the song that every middle schooler knows is by Tom Petty.

American Girl – 2/1 – This song has America in the title and the Super Bowl = America.

Mary Jane’s Last Dance – 35/1 – After the whole Janet Jackson boob thing on CBS, I highly doubt that Fox is going to be taking a chance on a song with Pot references. However, if it is played, expect roughly 1 million high school kids to high-five because “dude, this song is about weed, and nobody even knows.

Learning to Fly – 12/1 – “Because, dude, this song is totally about our group of friends.

3. Over/Under 30 – Times Fox makes Joe Buck do a plug for an upcoming Fox show, and that little screen on the bottom of your screen that is being used for the plug blocks the play – Fox, it is annoying. That guy has been breaking out of prison for like a decade, we already know when 24 is on, and enough people watch American Idol as it is. And 15-year-old girls aren’t watching the Super Bowl, they are drawing hearts around their crushes in their yearbook, so there is no need for the So, You think you can Dance plug. 

2. Over/Under 25% – Amount of the American workforce calling in sick on Monday – Do you really want that fat guy from Accounting coming in hung-over with a nasty case of the runs?

1. Over/Under 100 times the camera flashes to the Manning Family – Every time Eli completes a pass they will show Peyton sitting in a box with the rest of the family. How much must it suck to be the oldest Manning brother? He could be a Senator or find a cure for AIDS and he would still be the family disappointment. On a side note, how impressive is it that Magic Johnson has pretty much defeated HIV? How many virgins did he have to de-flower to do that?


Anyway, before I get angry emails, I am well aware that he has some disease that made him quit football, but I still stand by my opinion that Daddy “Archie” Manning loves him a little less.